Mismatch in expectations: One person expected the other to behave or perform a certain way, and the other person failed to live up to that expectation. Unresolved expectations can lead to conflicts that may destroy relationships.
Causes: Most people assume that others know what they want. They never ask what they really want, because it is too painful to receive a NO (fear of rejection). Another cause is gaps occurring in communications.
Communication effectiveness depends on the state of mind, feelings, words used, priorities at the moment, and so on. Because of this, misunderstanding and mismatch in expectations can arise. Most expectation-mismatches can be prevented by communicating expectations in the right way.
How to manage expectations to prevent conflict?
- Know the expectation. Sometimes, just knowing the standard makes a difference. If I am supposed to meet a friend at 7:00, but he tells me there is chance that he will run late if traffic is bad, I might bring a book. I am managing my expectations.
- Change the expectation. And if waiting around is not acceptable, I can simply change the expectation. Perhaps I reschedule the date, or push the time back to 7:30. Again, I am managing my expectations.
- Deal with the expectation. There are, of course, times when you won’t agree on the expectations, even if they are clear to both sides. While that is never easy, it still gives you a chance to choose. If my friend doesn’t want to reschedule, I can choose to cancel, or I can wait for him if he runs late. Having the choice to pick from two bad options is far better for most people than being surprised. (source)
Set expectations right up front, when you form a team or start a family; also when you start a project/initiative/journey.
Steps in communicating your expectations to your team
- Identify what you want.
- Communicate specifics – what, why, who, where, when, how. (source)
- Share the context; address ‘What’s in it for me’ (benefits) & consequences.
Get feedback on what they understood or what they will be doing. Get an agreement on what will be done. These steps will minimize misunderstandings.
How to resolve mismatch in expectations?
Unresolved expectations can lead to conflicts that may badly affect relationships. So, sit down and talk about feelings, needs and expectations, at a comfortable place and time.
Remember
- Emotions, disagreements, misunderstanding, arguments, conflicts are all part of human relationships. They may weaken relationships, but are also opportunities to strengthen relationships. All healthy relationships require compromise.
- Relationship is a skill that can be developed.
- Relationship is reciprocal. Knowing the needs, desires and expectations of your partner helps you to meet most of them. People reciprocate the warmth and value in relationships. Everyone wants to feel secure, loved and valued. Treat them with respect and dignity, and they will reciprocate.
- Take responsibility for maintaining the relationship quality; choose to take initiative for removing any blocks in your relationship. Move from fear-based tactics to love-based tactics to improve relationships.
- Relationships may be tested severely sometimes, but don’t lose hope; you can turn around most relationships.
During the discussions
- State your observation (about partner’s behaviour, response) and how you felt about it. They may defend or clarify about the good intention behind the response or their state of mind at that time. If it is acceptable to you, you can close the discussion by thanking for the clarification.
- You can explain how that response or incident is not matching with your expectation or the shared goals of the team/family.
- Restate the shared goal and the expected behaviour in such situations. (Will expectation make sense, if you interchange the roles?) Explain why it is important for you and for the team/family.
- Try to reach a win-win agreement (negotiate, persuade or influence as needed)
- Use a journal to record the details (each one’s expectation, response and resistances, agreement reached)
When an instance is observed where an expectation is not met, don’t rush to criticize or blame; instead request the expected behavior in future occurrences. For example, you were expecting that your partner will inform you when she invites her friend home. When that expectation is not met, set that expectation as a request for the future instances, rather than criticizing the first instance.
What if your needs are actually the exact opposite of what your partner is looking for?
- Evaluate your expectations. Ask “In the past, have I tended to set my expectations too low or too high?” Accordingly, you may stand firm on your needs or soften some of those expectations.
- Understand their expectations. Go deeper. Ask them “Why it is so important for you?”, “What is the story behind their expectation?”. Have your partner ask you the same questions about your expectations, so they get to understand you better, too.
- Validate each other. Say something like, “That makes sense to me” or “I understand why you have that desire.”
- Come up with the perfect compromise or solution. Experiment with a few ideas. (source)
Note:
- Don’t lose hope even if you couldn’t agree on the perfect solution; continue to enhance inter-personal skills, persuasion and negotiation skills. Any effort to manage expectation-mismatches is a step in the right direction.
- Keep in mind, sometimes you need to call the shot when you represent the higher interests of the team/family.
- Sometimes, you can let go of those trivial expectations by simply asking ““Is It Really Important?”
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