Are you upset with somebody or have feelings of hurt or bitterness you want to release? How can you be immune to people hurting you? Some quick tips:
Cue on responding to hurt/bitterness:
How to deal with your hurt feeling
- Imagine yourself disconnecting from the person who hurt you; disconnect as if you pull out a plug. Now you are detached from this person and their negativity cannot flow to you. You accept that they have freedom to be what they are and to behave according to what they are; but don’t give permission to hurt you.
- All negative emotions of people are psychological defense mechanisms and so don’t take it personally; instead understand why they behave the way they do; what is the fear driving them; feel empathy and kindness for them. (If your behaviour has caused hurt to the other person, apologize and see how you can mitigate the hurt or compensate.)
- If they have done injustice to you, ask God to be in charge of your justice. Forgive them. Thank God for all the good things you have. Focus on the present moment and carry on with your priorities and life goals.
If the hurt is caused by people whom you are accountable for, say, your children, students or team members, keep your cool; ask them and understand the cause for such behaviour, be assertive and take necessary corrective actions.
Meditate on the Words of God on compassion, forgiveness to release hurt.
- “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:36)
- “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
- “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
- “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak.”(Romans 15:1)
- “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23: 34)
Why others behave negatively
Let us understand the underlying message when somebody is
Angry – They are expressing their need to have someone acknowledge the hurt and understand their pain. Being angry could also mean they have a standard/belief/perspective different from you; they expected more/better from you. Or it could be just they are defending themselves.
Criticizing – 1) They want to help you; 2) they have a parental caring attitude 3) they are just honest and straight-forward 4) they expect more from you 5) they are feeling fear and hence attacking 6) they are trying to get control 7) they are jealous and suffer from low self-esteem and are constantly competing and comparing themselves with others to try to feel good about themselves.
Blaming – Blamers don’t want to take responsibility for a problem. They find it easier to attack a person or situation than to tackle a problem. In acute cases, Blamers may have a ‘victim mentality’. The blaming functions to reinforce the belief that they can do nothing wrong or bad, and others are responsible for their difficulties. More deeply, it is a way for the person to avoid taking responsibility for their life. They protect their ego by always putting their fate in the hands of others.
Nagging – Nagging is sometimes done simply to get attention. Nagging may seem at times like a benign or maternal behaviour that has good intentions. But in the case of the neurotic naggers, they derive a sense of power and control by nagging people, usually their children and spouse. In fact, nagging at spouse is often a sign of hidden hostility. It can be used as a revenge strategy, or to express resentment and frustration.
Other behaviors that could hurt you: making caustic remarks, ignoring you, delaying a service, making you wait, not supporting, using abusive words, ridiculing, doing injustice, discriminating, and so on.
Understand that more often it is their mental state at that moment, has caused that type of response and it is not because something wrong with you.
More tips to remove hurt feeling
Bitterness will spoil your relationship with people and God. Also it detours you from your best self.
Know that you are worthy and special, irrespective of how others respond to you. The choice of how you respond to individuals or situations lies inside you. You can‘t control others, but you can control how you respond.
Try to build immunity to caustic remarks of others. Remember Gandhiji’s words “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” and “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”.
Use metaphor:
Your mind is like a drop of mercury on a steel plate or like a drop of water on a ‘Chembu’ leaf. The whole ocean may be full of impurities, but that won’t make a ship dirty inside. Similarly nothing can contaminate your mind without your permission. Your mind is an intense energy source like a candle/red charcoal/sun. Anything impure falls on it, it is burned away. So other’s negative energy falling on you won’t change your positivity.
You can use self-affirmations such as
- Nobody can hurt me without my permission
- I am worthy, special and unique
- I am sufficient and don’t need approval of others now.
- I am immune to rejections, loss of love, complaints, criticism, indifference, let downs, denials, delays, discounting, greed, anger, misunderstandings, or any short-comings of others (mention whatever irritates you).
Shift your mental state to laughter: Assume a person has hurt you and whenever you think of this person or see this person, bitter feelings are triggered in your mind and you frown. You can associate a funny image to this person. Visualize something funny about this person; it could a body characteristic (ex. a long nose) or doing something funny/stupid; exaggerate this enough so that you laugh vigorously. Now associate this feeling with this person. Do this visualization a few times. Now whenever you think about this person, the funny picture comes to your mind and makes you smile. Read more on NLP Techniques.
Forgive. There is a lot of value in forgiving. “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” – Tony Robbins.
Complain to God. If you have difficulty in forgiving, read Words of God; complain to God; read Psalms. Psalms like 31, 102 and 109, are poetic accounts of hurts and grievances. God listens. He’d rather have us empty our heart to him than keep that bitterness inside. He is not offended by our discontent. Complaining to God is wise because he’s capable of doing something about it, while our friends and relations may not be. Miraculous healings have been reported simply by complaining to God (which releases your bottled emotions) and then surrendering to his will.
Surrender. Surrender the person who hurt you at the feet of Jesus on the cross. Submit all your hurt feelings also there. Meditate on the sufferings of Jesus Christ; visualize his blood dripping and cleansing all the negativity and the hurt feelings. Feel His love. Feel the mercy and blessings coming to you. Pray for and bless the person who has hurt you. Feel the spiritual elevation and peace.
Also read/watch:
Word for Meditations 